


We're Still Here

by leviphiliac



Series: Canonverse [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 06:25:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17156900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviphiliac/pseuds/leviphiliac
Summary: Levi reflects on his feelings





	We're Still Here

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, like everything Shingeki I write, takes place when they lived in the castle and life was happiness, sunshine and killing titans.

"Eren… I don't…" Levi takes a deep breath and tries to hide his discomfort. "I'm sorry but I don't feel the same way."

"Oh." Eren was expecting this reply, he really was. From the moment he'd decided to tell his captain how he felt, he already prepared himself for the worst possible outcome. But it didn't mean his heart doesn't feel like it's actually breaking into a thousand pieces. "Okay. I just wanted you to know. I'll go back to my room now. Excuse me, Sir."

Levi watches him go, unsure if he should say something or not.

_I don't feel the same way._

This had always been his response, regardless of who confessed to him; he didn't even have to think about it, it was automatic. And he'd had confessions and invitations by the dozens. He wasn't even 13 yet the first time someone invited him to their bed, which he politely refused with serene eyes and a hand resting on his knife's grip. Back then, it annoyed him to no end, but as time passed, he kind of understood why people wanted him. It wasn't arrogance; he knew what there was to know. He was attractive, and he appeared interesting to others because of his enigmatic personality. At first that was all there was. Later he became an icon as well, and that was enough to grant him a legion of fans. Not that any of them knew him for who he was; not that he wanted them to.

In his world there was no time for relationships, no place for kisses, hugs or sex.

The _one_ time…

The one time he let himself go, indulged a little, when it was taken away from him it crushed him too much. Back then he ended up having quite a few regrets.

Eren had surprised him with his sudden confession. Well, if he'd been paying attention to things like that, it probably wouldn't have felt so sudden. Of course he'd noticed Eren's eternal gaze on him. But he was used to being stared at for most of his life. People stared at him for several reasons; fear, desire, mockery, admiration. Levi could easily tell which it was every time, and with Eren, it was obvious hero worship.

Apparently, it wasn't so simple.

_As he prepares for bed, there's a knock on his door. He doesn't recognise it immediately, but something in it tells him who it is._

_"Come in."_

_"Excuse me, Captain. Could I speak with you for a moment?"_

_"Sure. Make it fast though, I'm falling asleep on my feet."_

_"O-okay. Sorry to disturb you so late. Um… the-- the truth is," Eren closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. As he opens them again, he finds his voice isn't wavering anymore. "I like Captain. No, I love you, Captain Levi." He almost adds, 'will you go out with me?' but decides to wait for his reply first._

Levi had stared blankly at Eren, then spouted his reply.

Replaying the whole scene in his mind now, he does think about it.

_"Eren… I don't…"_

_I don't indulge in things like this_ , he had wanted to say. Affection was for people with time on their hands, with little or no worries. Not for a fucking Survey Corps member. Not for him. Never for him.

Levi sighs as he sits on his bed. _In time, Eren will grow out of it. Whether his feelings are genuine or not, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he put that 'love' bullshit behind him._

He lies down, extinguishing the last flame. There was no need to think about this anymore.

The next day, Eren almost makes him believe that he's fine, behaving like nothing had happened. Levi is actually impressed with him; Eren doesn't avert his eyes when they speak, doesn't falter, overall doesn't act like the lovestruck teenager that he actually is.

Until the afternoon, when they are cleaning a surprisingly dirty storeroom. It was bigger than the one they were currently using, so it was decided they would change to this one. Levi wouldn't let anyone else clean it. They were going to store food in it, he wanted the room to be pristine. And the only way he could be sure it'd be to his standards was by doing it himself. Eren had offered to help and he accepted; Eren's cleaning skills had visibly improved ever since they first got in the castle.

Eren had climbed on a shelf and was trying to remove the spider webs from the ceiling, when he loses his balance and falls on his ass. Although being on the other side of the room, cleaning behind the door, Levi immediately turns his attention to Eren as he hears him colliding with the floor.

"Clumsy brat. You okay there?" In a moment he's in front of Eren, holding out his hand.

"Yeah, I…" As he's about to grasp the offered hand, Eren stops, pulling back his arm, as he feels his face burning. Then it isn't just his face. His eyes decide right then that it was the appropriate time to burn as well, and Eren turns his face away from Levi. "It's… it's the dust."

"Eren…" What? What should he say?

"I'm gonna go wash up my face. Excuse me, Sir."

As Eren gets up, Levi touches his shoulder. But no words come to mind, so he lets him go. "Go rest or something. I can finish here."

Eren just nods without turning around.

 _Just give it time_ , he tells himself again.

The next few days don't find Eren crying around the corners, or refusing to carry out his duties. If anything, he completed each and every one of his chores even more swiftly than usual.

And Levi doesn't think of him. Why would he? It was the same as deliberately stepping on embers, or poking a wasp's nest. It was the same as throwing oneself willingly into a titan's mouth. It was exactly the same. Why would he think of Eren?

Why is he thinking of Eren? Night after night after… 

Eren… reminds him of _her_ , actually. Same fire in their eyes, same determination.

There is nothing about Eren that reminds Levi of _him_. Yet here he was, thinking about them. Thinking about the one person he once allowed himself to be with, and the one who currently desired him.

When was the last time he'd thought about him? Levi can't even remember. What good it did to think about the past anyway? The only thing he had to make sure was the he wouldn't make the same mistakes again.

Same mistakes. Falling in love was humanity's biggest mistake. Well okay, maybe not so much but still… pretty dumb.

It's late at night and Levi is rolling in his bed. Levi doesn't roll in bed; he lies down and sleeps, that's what he does. For four straight hours, if he's lucky.

But he is rolling and pondering. Pondering his fucking life. As if he had a future to think about.

It's not that he thinks he'd be eaten by a titan or anything like that. He knows he can hold his own against those fuckers. But… where the hell was this all going? Would there ever be a day when all the misery would end? When he could actually be free? Even if it did, Levi knows titans aren't the only threat against peace. Oh no. Titans were only the beginning of the problems.

He yawns..

If…

If he lets himself think about things like that, maybe…

Maybe…

He dreams of green forests and greener eyes.

***

The castle is so silent that he can hear its ghosts roaming about. A Survey Corps base would have many, many ghosts.

...Or maybe it's his own personal ghosts that he hears, playfully laughing and calling his name.

There's a stutter-sighing ghost, and Levi can hazard a guess exactly who this one is. Candle in hand, he descends towards the dungeon.

"You just hang in there during the day and cry your eyes out at night? No wonder they're all puffy in the mornings."

Eren looks up from his bed, where he's holding a pillow against himself. He looks as if he's been caught doing something much more outrageous than crying.

"Captain… what are you doing down here?"

 _The ghosts woke me up_. "Why are you crying, Eren?"

Eren blushes and looks away from the Captain. "I… I don't wanna trouble you." _Any more than I already have._

 _But I don't want to see you crying_. "You're my responsibility. So your well-being is my responsibility as well."

"Captain, just let it go." _Like I'm trying to._

"Eren." Levi is still standing by the door, his candle the only thing illuminating the room. _Can I sit down? I'm gonna sit down._ He sits next to Eren's feet and places the candle on a little shelf by the bed. "Just tell me."

"I'm trying to let it go, Captain. I really am." _But I don't want to_. "It's not so easy, huh." His tear-stricken smile makes something hurt in Levi's chest.

"The way you're feeling right now. Imagine what it would be like

_when_

if I die."

He doesn't want to imagine how he would feel if Eren died. He knows the feeling anyway. He wouldn't wish that pain on his worst enemy. So he certainly wouldn't wish it for Eren.

Well, not that he feels for Eren like he felt for _him_. He doesn't. Really. Not quite.

Eren frowns. "If _you_ die, well, we might as well give up on everything if that happens. I mean, what hope would humanity have without you?"

Levi shakes his head lightly. "You're the hope here. I'm just the brawn."

He sits up now, pillow still securely clutched in his arms. "You know what I mean. Okay, so if Captain dies, I'll make a beautiful speech and tell everyone about the great man you were." Eren has stopped crying and a smirk threatens to show itself. "Then I'm getting the hell outta dodge. Without you here, the military would be out for me like starving dogs."

 _I like to think of them more as pigs_. "You're pretty cheeky for someone who was bawling his eyes out only a few minutes ago."

Eren feels his face heating up and scrunches his eyebrows. "I wasn't bawling. I was just… quietly weeping a little." He passes a hand over his head, noticing with alarm how scruffy his hair is, and tries to smooth it a bit. "But seriously though. I have all the faith in the world you're not gonna die so easily, so there's no point in discussing that. And if you do, well… I-I'll see what I-- it just--" He sighs loudly. "I can't. I can't imagine the world without you, and I can't imagine how it would be for me. Because I've lost people I loved before. And each time it was different."

Levi stops and thinks. Really stops and thinks. _Yeah. And we're still here. It was so fucking obvious that I don't understand how I couldn't see. Thank you, Eren._ Levi gets up and circles the bed, stopping in front of Eren. He sets a hand on his head. "If you die, I'll keep on living. If I die, you'll keep on being a shitty brat; that's all there is to it. Isn't it?"

Eren is so shocked to feel Levi's hand on his hair he doesn't know what to say. When Levi removes his hand and sits next to him, he has to control himself because he thinks his head might be on the verge of exploding, and he wouldn't want to make his Captain all messy with brain matter; he would hate that.

"Is this what you want?"

Eren thinks Levi might be asking him something but he can't hear anything other than his own speeding heart thrumming in his ears. He doesn't know what's happening, but he thinks his mouth might be moving, and sound coming out of it.

"...What?"

Levi goes to touch Eren's face in concern, because in a moment, it was deep red, the next, he was deadly pale. But Eren flinches violently at the sight of his hand, and he lowers it. "Are you okay? You're not having a seizure, or shitting your pants or anything like that, right?"

When Eren doesn't respond, Levi raises his hand again and smacks his face softly a couple of times. "What the fuck is going on, Eren?" The combination of the slaps and his name do the trick, and he goes back to functioning normally.

"I… I… I just… was a little shocked I guess? Uh… surprised. Yeah. Wasn't expecting. Any of that actually." He isn't proud of his broken sentences, but that's the best he can do for now.

 _Here's what I get for dealing with a brat_. "Take a deep breath and think before speaking. It's easy like that."

"Right." Eren smiles. He's thankful there is still some space between them. If he's a mess like that just from feeling Levi's body heat when they're not even touching, imagine if--

"It seems you didn't hear me the first time, so I'll ask again. Is this-- fuck it, let me rephrase that. What is it that you want, Eren?"

 _Breathe, breathe. What do I want? What do I say? Do I say 'I want you' like some playboy? That'd be so weird! What do I-- ah! Got it!_ "I want… everything you're willing to give me." _Ooh, nice, Eren. You're handling it pretty well now._

Then Captain Levi smirks at him, and once again he is concerned about exploding heads.

"Oh? So you're Mr. Smooth now? Alright then. I have plenty to give you, but…" He holds Eren's chin between a couple of fingers. "...we'll have to see if you'll be able to handle it."

Levi lets go of him and gets up. "Let's do it like this. Whenever you're ready, come for it." He leaves, not even bothering with the locks, or with Eren gaping at him completely frozen, probably unsure of how words worked again.

Back in his room, he settles the candle down, and with his heart at peace, prepares once again for sleep.

Five seconds later, there is a knock on his door.

**Author's Note:**

> I think the formatting is a bit weird, and the tense is kinda messed up. I'll try to fix it later, didn't have much time since I decided to post 4 things today.
> 
> Also, happy birthday Levi heichou-sama of my life.


End file.
